Being a woman

is special, it’s true

There is so much to look at

So much to do

Fashion is passion

I’m always a fan

Mom-life is real tho

So, I do what I can

To stay involved my way

as me-time allows

The things I find special

on Pinterest, I browse

The new trends with nails

I wish I had time

To go get them done

But alas, all the grime

Of most local salons

Makes me legit-gag

Why pay for that?

A costly price-tag

For sharing the gross

From under her nails

It’s like licking an armpit

Logic Simply fails

to convince me that money

so hard earned, go there

I’d rather drink water

from cup made of hair.

sick.

Get what I’m saying?

How grossly accepted?

Swapping the goo

Other’s rejected

Impossible to receive

The stuff that lives there

In that luxury-heated

Massage salon chair.

Try as they will

As hard as they can

to clean all the goods

It’s isn’t enough, man,

The fact is that now

The fungus still grows

And now lives inside

all of your toes

Generously passed

From every poor soul

Who don’t clip their nails

And one’s in the bowl

Spinning around

in a special new stew

the water’s now ready

Set up, just for you

Nope, not me.

I’m not going back

Nope, I won’t

My throat makes a gak

That sound that comes out

When you’re really quite sick

I can’t go there again

I’m going to stick

To my new solution

That gives me a way

To have beautiful nail

Every single day

And while I am at it,

I really won’t lie

The tickly way

That those little girls try

To scrub off the callouses

on each of my feet

I almost kicked one girl

And came out of my seat.

“Use more pressure!!”

I cry out in dismay

Or is it so funny

Torturing me this way?!

And then you attack me

with tiny-small fists

Pounding away

my relaxing chair bliss

Tiny bombs hit my legs

What did I do to you?

I look and their both covered

With pink salon goo

That smells like aunt Lizzy

from 1962…

AND, another thing more

How did that girl just hear

The thing you just said

As stealth as a deer

She’s on the other side

Of this noisy room

There’s speakers involved

Is what I presume?!

What did you say?

I don’t have a clue

As I’m sitting here subject

To all of this goo

Conversation, no option

I get no release

Just accosted in some way

When I was paying for peace

I cannot know

what you seem to say

As you carry on

in your own private way

I guess it is better

That I do not know

’cause I would say worse

If I had to go

to that nail salon

Each and every day

and sit around clipping

For minimum pay

Now back to solutions

Back to results!

Back to a wonderful,

Positive exult!

Happily now

I’m telling you, true!

Add your own gel

To your nails like I do

It’s simple, it’s easy

Read what I blast

Listen so closely

The gel, it will last

You’ll buy you a light

That sets it so fast

The list is so simple

I result, it will pass

For professional nails

That, now, you can do

Another solution

Passed from me onto you.

Wouldn’t you rather that,

over infected nail goo?

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I love having pretty nails.  Having been raised by my grandmother during my formative years, and never, ever seeing her without perfectly painted nails every single day of my life – it’s a family tradition that I am happy to carry on.  Pretty nails.

I made the mistake having been completely sucked up by American Culture – nail salons were something I made a habit of.  In 30 minutes or less I’d be filed down by a power tool – erupting disgusting acrylic/gel nail crap into my lungs – soaked in impossible to clean spa bowls with spa jets pounding fungus-filled, infected water into every inch of my feet. The hot water only encourages the fungus to grow faster.

The previously used sponges, files, cutting tools – sometimes disinfected, sometimes not, are forcefully ignored.  All patrons are intently focused on the outcome, beautiful Proud-American nails.  American nail style is the premier focus of female culture and fashion.  On any given moment you are guaranteed to find a women dressed in pajamas and rags, with no money at all, and they still have their nails done.  It’s glam, and they won’t let it go.

I let it go.  After contracting a fungus in my pinky nail that for the life of me I could not kill from a nail salon in Laguna Beach.  Gross.  GAG!  GAK!  I thought I would never get my nails done again.  I gave up.  I tried every solution to get rid of the fungus and nothing worked.  Painful, ugly and embarrassing.  I’d hide my hands in shame.

Now, I have conquered the fungus among-us.  I got this awesome nail pen off Amazon Smile and full of doubt – invested in such a simple solution.  This annoying fungus that I have been trying to hard to kill can’t be irradiated by a simple nail pen.  Scoff.  BUT, surprisingly, it did. It worked really fast!

Now that I’m on the healing route to healthy and strong nails. I am excited to get gel nails back on and have pretty hands again, just like my Gramsie.  But yikes, I’ll never, ever go back to a salon.  Gross me out.

I found out that my sister in Nova Scotia has been doing her own gel nails for a long time.  I love being inspired by her.  I bought the kit and I tried to do it too.  Low and behold it was perfect!  All the gear is mine too so I know that goobers are all my own and I am not sharing in others gross.  Score!

I’m SO pumped to have another solution to share with all of you.  Do your own nails.  And if you can’t, find a friend that does nails and buy your own stuff and pay them to do it at your house!

File and shape your nails, you have to file the top so it’s rough, that allows the gel to have the proper surface to stick to.

Then you wipe them clean with alcohol, don’t touch the nail with your skin cause the oils will make the gel not adhere.  If you touch your nail by accident make sure you rub it again with alcohol.

Then use your pusher backer – do not cut your cuticle!  Push back your cuticles so that there is no skin covering your nail.  If you have rough edges, just gently rub them with your nail file until they are soft and disappear.

Then apply very thin layers of the base coat – I apply 2, and each coat goes under the light for three 90 second sessions – my light has a 90 second timer.  Get that light, it’s awesome and so inexpensive.

Then apply 3 very thin layers of the top coat each coat gets 2 sessions of 90 seconds under the light – or more if you have time.  Lastly, wipe off the tops of the nails with a clean alcohol wipe and your done!

Hang on, I didn’t tell you to use a Gel Color!  That just results in clear nails.  Yikes, you wanted sparkle red with white tips.  Have no fear my loves.  The craziest part of gel nails is that you can paint OVER the gel with regular polish and it lasts a million times longer and won’t chip like it does on natural nails!  SCORE!

Who knew, right!  You can just buy the cheap polish, and it works like a charm.  So you can change your color at will and you’re not stuck with the same gel color for 3-4 weeks which can get kinda boring, or might not match with the cute outfit you are wearing that day.  It’s so fun to change color.

Think about it, if you are getting your nails done every 3 weeks, and you are spending on average $25 per visit, that’s $495 a year.  That’s a brand new TV if you wanted…or a car payment.  All you have to do is make a small investment off the bat, and bam, you just saved yourself a buncha’ money.

No music today folks, this girl has got the nail salon all wrapped up for us in a super clean comic skit –  and the accent is priceless!